How (not) to run a half marathon

*disclaimer: none of this is professional fitness or running advice - just a personal account. I am in no way qualified to talk about any of this. *

It boggles my mind how some people run joke marathons dressed in costumes that directly impede athletic performance.

video here

As someone who runs exactly one half marathon a year and who is skeptical of her mental and physical ability to do more, it feels like I really need to make each one count, which has always only meant beating my previous time at any cost.

my only competitor/worst enemy

(and let’s be serious - if I ever ran a marathon, it would be a fight for survival every step of the way)

Anyway, let me tell you about this past weekend, aka the worst experience I’ve ever had running a race!

I like a springtime half marathon because it forces me to exercise regularly starting in in January.

This year, for reasons unknown, I woke up every morning feeling considerably worse than I usually do, and training was hard.

On top of that: due to nerves, I didn’t eat dinner and I didn’t sleep at all, the day before the race.

Usually I can count on race-day adrenaline to propel me to run with speed and ease that far exceeds what I’m normally capable of, so I assumed I’d be okay, despite, you know, everything.

First sign of trouble:

Second sign of trouble:

“Bonking” is when your muscles run out of glycogen and stop working. It happened to me years ago during my first and only 25km training run for the full marathon I signed up for and never ran. My legs turned to rubber, and I had to sit on a park bench for 20 minutes before I could muster the strength to hobble to the street and call a cab home.

This felt like the beginning of a bonk - scary, because I can usually joyfully get past the halfway mark on race day without any sort of “bad” pain or fatigue.

Weighing my options:

Solution: I ate one of my gels 20 minutes early and prayed it would deliver the boost I needed -

I GUESS it worked??

I was able to physically run but my legs felt disconnected from my body. I was so tired and counting every single step. To cope, my brain fixated on the worst possible song:

The water stations were a beacon of hope

But the fatigue created some problems.

As we rounded a corner into a crowd of cheering spectators, I was sticking my full hand into my top to unglue my boobs from my electrolyte-soaked shelf bra

while I, too, was coming unglued! (lol)

And then I saw this sign

and I said out loud

because like, isn’t this all absurd? I have this chronic inability to laugh about running but isn’t our ability to laugh at ourselves the only thing getting us through any of this?

related

And then there was a moment near the end of the race, after a bunch of hills in the forest:

when it was just like

In my early 20s, running fast didn’t require any cross-training, or stretching, or foam-rolling, or physio (not normal or advisable) and I developed an unfortunate complex for ~effortless perfection~

*edit: as of May 13 2024, I was advised by a running physio that I may have a tendon condition that is actually WORSENED by stretching certain muscles. Gasp! Talk to a qualified professional, work smarter not harder!! *

soon after this i got a stress fracture and endured many life changes and stopped running races

Last year, I ran my first half-marathon after an 8 year hiatus, and I found the addition of the necessary interventions so demoralizing.

But the physical struggle of this year’s race, after such obvious errors in preparation (turns out you have to sleep AND eat before you attempt to sprint 21km at 7am!), and the cumulative stress of the year, has cracked something open for me.

I am suddenly determined to discover what more I can do to ensure that future running and races are FUN, and not just routine activities I drudge towards each year as proof that I’m still alive and worthy. I’m actually looking forward to things like joining a running club and doing speed workouts (gasp) - not just for a faster time, but to ensure that I can fully enjoy this challenge for the rest of my life, and continue to see the world through this lens, and grow and adapt to my changing/aging body, and discover new things about myself in the process. And so I can have someone to talk to this about who actually also runs.

Anyway.

TL;DR: sleep enough, and eat lots of pasta the night before, and you might avoid the worst of the pain! Don’t think too hard about how this one activity weaves through countless stages of your life and track it against how you have come to see and value yourself or you WILL cry.

xo Zoe

See my running comic for the New Yorker here.

Got a running story/tip to share?